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Child Jokes
 

JOKES

CHILDREN

5 things to do in a lift

1 when there is 1 other person in the lift tap them on the shoulder and deny that you never done it

2 draw a box with chalk on the floor of the lift and say this is my personal space dont step in it

3 throw a pen on the floor and when someone goes to pick it up shout thats mine you thief get of it

4 before somesteps into the lift face the far corner of the lift stare at it do not move and when the people are getting out scare them

5 put your desk in the lift and when someone steps into it say do you have an appointment
 

Shut up, Trouble, Manners

There was three girls named Shutup, Manners, and Trouble. One day Shutup and Trouble wanted to go take a walk. They asked Manners if she wanted to come but Manners stayed home. During the walk Trouble go lost. Than while Shutup is looking for Trouble a cop comes up to her. "What is your name little girl?" "Shut up"
cop- "What is your real name!?"
Shutup-"Shut up!"
cop- "Are you looking for Trouble little girl?!"
Shutup- " Yes, i lost her awhile back"
cop- "Wheres your manners?!"
Shutup- "She stayed home"


A Fool Doggy

A man riddled his friend: A mother dog was crossing a river with her five kids, She carried two under her arms and tree on her back, When they were standing on the other side of the river, the responsible mother checked the number of her lovely babies and droped her jaw...... there are only four kids with one lost!!! Please tell me why?

His friend thought a long time and could not find a satisfied answer.

In the end the man said:"It was a fool dogy".


No Temper Tantrums

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."


It Dosen't Exist

Jimmy came home from school with an F on his geography test. His mother was reviewing his work, and noticed that he had gotten one particularly easy question wrong.

"Jimmy," she asked, "Santa Cruz is in California."

"No, it isn't. It doesn't exist."

"Of course it exists. What makes you think it's imaginary?"

"That's what you told me, mommy," the boy replied.

"When did I tell you that?"

"Last Christmas, when I wanted to know why I didn't get a horse."

"No, I told you that Santa CLAUS doesn't exist, not Santa CRUZ."


My Father's the Best

Three boys were bragging about their fathers. The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"

The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"

The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home bef


Gifts For Your Teacher

On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son gave her a box. She hook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?"

"That’s right!" said the boy.

Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?"

"That's right!" said the boy.

Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box.

She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?"

"No," said the boy.

She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the boy.

"I give up. What is it?"

The boy grinned. "A puppy!"
ore 4!"


What's the diff between...

What's the difference between a train and a school teacher?

One says,"Choo-choo",
and the other says,"Spit out the Gum!"

 

Coffee Maker

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee in bed. He had made it all by himself and was so proud. He waited eagerly to hear her verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had truly never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee. The first few sips just about did her in, but she praised her grandson, told him it was wonderful, and drank it all anyway. As she forced down the last sip, she noticed three little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know, grandma, it’s like on TV: 'The best part of waking up... is so


Easter dress

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's hell to iron."


Big Sissy

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."


Over Your Heart

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."


Going to the Bathroom

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."


Is it dead?

One of the teachers had a kindergartener come up to her and say that he had found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."

The teacher said, "You what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."


I Know The Truth

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret and this makes it very easy to blackmail them merely by saying, "I know the whole truth."

So Little Johnny decides to try it out. When he arrives home from school that day, he says to his mother, "I know the whole truth." His mother looks shocked, quickly finds $20, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." His father looks shocked, quickly finds $40, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your mother."

The next morning, Little Johnny is on his way to school when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy decides to try again. "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops his mailbag, throws opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real daddy a nice big hug!"


Don't Kick

The little farm boy storms out of the house, mad about being ordered to do his chores. In the barnyard, he kicks the rooster. Near the barn, he kicked a hog. In the corral, he kicked the family’s milk cow. His mother saw all this and stormed out after him.

"I saw you kick that rooster; just for that, you’ll get no eggs. And I saw you kick that hog; just for that, you’ll get no bacon. And I saw you kick the cow; just for that, you’ll get no milk!"

His father heard the yelling, came out of the barn, tripping over the cat and nearly falling, after which, he booted the poor animal out of his way. The cat ran screeching into the barn.

The little boy looked up at his mother and said, "You want to tell him or shall I?"

 

Confused Child

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse",she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra", which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too.

His mother then says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!


First Operation

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"


Too much TV

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 yr. old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied,

"Bud."


I want to be six

To Whom It May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower. I want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money 'cause you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.

I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know, and you didn't care.

I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym, and field trips. I want to be happy because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair, and everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, prejudice, starving and abused kids, lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain and mortality. I want to be six again. I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever because I don't know the concept of death.

I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life, and be overly excited by the little things again. I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something I use for escape from the things I should be doing. I want to live knowing the little things I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them.....I want to be six again.

I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of only the things that directly concerned me. I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else. I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet, and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.

I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist, and how to find the money to fix the old car. I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up, and what I'll be, who I'll be, and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want that time back.

I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or a fight with my significant other, or bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second thoughts about so many things, I can travel back, and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together, and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.

I want to be six again.


Jimmy's not stupid

Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Jimmy stood up, alone.

Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"

"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."



Cookies

This little black boy comes down the stairs and sees that his mom is making cookies. He goes up to her and covers himself in flour and says "Look Momma I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him and sends him to his father. "Look daddy I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him and sends him to his grandmother. "Look gandma I'm a white boy." She slaps him and sends him back to his mother. "Now what did you learn from this?" "I'v only been white for a couple a minutes and I already hate you fucking white people!"

 
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