JOKES
BLONDES
Punishment
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Another Saturday Night
Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
Artificial Intelligence in a Bottle
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
Blonde - Drowning
A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless.
''Where have you been?'' asked the man.
''I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!''
Blonde - Elmo Factory
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
Blonde - Mating Call
What is a blonde's mating call?
''NEXT!''
Blonde - Transplant
How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
Blow in her ear.
Ash Blonde
How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree!
Atlantic Coast and a Blonde
What's the difference between the Atlantic Coast and a blonde?
The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs!!
Autoblonde
Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?
A: They can both drive you crazy.
Backstroke Dolly
What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?
Islands In The Stream.
Bad Blondes, Whatcha Gonna Do?
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
Bad Day Blondie
How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?
Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Bang! I'm Blonde!
Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!
Barbie and Britney
Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
Beware the Blonde Terrorist
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe!
Big Ben Blonde
Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.
Bigfoot and Blonde
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
Bimbo Joke
How does a blonde turn the light on after having sex.
She kicks the car door open.
Blonde & Cruise
A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that says, ''Ocean Cruise Only 5$'' She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper. She nods to the him. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconscious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She starts to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her, she says, ''So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?''
The other blonde replies, ''They didn't serve any last year.''
Blonde - Contractor
There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.'' The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies, ''You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.''
Blonde Alumna
What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"
Blonde and a Brunette on a Cliff
Q: A blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff. Who hit bottom first?
A: The brunette -- the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Blonde and a Pig
A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, ''Where did you get that?'' The pig says, ''I won her in a raffle!''
Blonde and a Sock
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, ''What for? Are you going to set it on fire!''
Blonde and Brunette, Falling
A blonde and a both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will hit the bottom first?
The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.
Blonde and Calculator
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator?
She couldn't find the 10 key.
Blonde and Clock
Q: Why did the blonde throw her clock out the window?
A: So she could see time fly!
Blonde and Dictionary
A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.
Blonde and Doorknobs
What do blondes and doorknobs have in common?
Everyone gets a turn
Blonde and Drive-Thru
What do you ask a blonde in a drive-thru?
Is that for here or to go?
Blonde and Elephants
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw a herd of elephants walking across the plains with sunglasses on?
A: Nothing, she didn't recognize them.
Blonde & Turtle
Q: What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: They're both screwed on their back. |
